Vanderpump Rules & the Myth of Forgiving and Forgetting
Ariana Madix has taught us an important lesson: You don't need to forgive to move on.
If you follow me on Twitter, you might be aware that in April, I started bingeing Vanderpump Rules. I’m no stranger to reality TV, or to Bravo-specific reality TV, but the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (RHOBH) spinoff was one of the major gaps in my knowledge of the genre.
Despite my mom begging me to watch the series for years, I rejected the idea. I had The Bachelor franchise to keep up with, and Love Island, and all of Netflix’s new offerings. Plus, the show seemed… vapid, not up to par with my other, higher-brow series. But I’ve since come to realize that V-Pump (as my partner calls it) is to reality TV what The Godfather is to film. It’s the creme de la creme.
Like many others, my journey with Vanderpump Rules began when Scandoval broke. I was intrigued! “Maybe my mom was right,” I thought. “Let me see what this show is all about.” I sat down to watch the first episode and have been bingeing ever since.
For the uninitiated, V-Pump follows the lives of the servers at SUR (which, yes, does stand for “Sexy, Unique Restaurant”), a West Hollywood restaurant and lounge owned by former RHOBH cast member, Lisa Vanderpump. The drama is *impeccable* from the start, but Scandoval, the central conflict of season 10, raised the series’ profile considerably. Long story short, series regular Tom Sandoval had been in a relationship with another series regular Ariana Madix for nearly 10 years. They owned a house together, they were in the process of freezing eggs, they were each other’s life partners. And in March, TMZ reported that Sandoval had been having an affair with another series regular for almost a year: Ariana’s best friend Raquel (real name, Rachel) Leviss.
What has stood out to me in the months since the scandal broke is Ariana’s response. In the season 10 finale, she delivers a speech for the ages to a sniveling, unapologetic Sandoval:
“I regret every moment that I stood up for you, defended you, supported you. You're worth nothing, and I want you to feel that deep in your soul. I want you to hear those words coming from the mouth of the woman that fucking stood by you and loved you and was ready to build the rest of my life around you. Hear my words and know that's how I feel about you. I regret ever loving you.”
This scene was filmed just days after Ariana found out about the affair, so some might dismiss her vitriol as a knee-jerk, emotional response to a shocking betrayal. But Ariana’s anger hasn’t wavered in the months since she found a video on Tom’s phone of her partner and her best friend having phone sex. Her rage, however, has not inhibited her ability to move on and up. Nor has her anger abated.
While Ariana eviscerated Tom and Rachel throughout the three-part season 10 reunion, her parting words in particular stand out. At the end of the reunion, Tom tells Ariana: “I want you to know that I will always love you and I will always be cheering you on from afar.” In response, Ariana doubles down. Speaking to host Andy Cohen, rather than directly to Tom, she says: “I will not forgive him, and I will not be cheering him on from afar.” Whew.
Some viewed her response as bitter or vengeful. I found it radical.
The normative values in U.S. society — and therefore U.S. pop culture — are Christian. And in Christianity, forgiveness, regardless of the slight, is paramount. Not so in many other religions and belief systems, including Judaism. In a Huffpost article about how forgiveness is overrated, Erica Manfred explains, “In the Jewish tradition you're not obligated to forgive someone unless they've sincerely expressed remorse and convinced you of their sincerity.” My Jewish Learning notes that “a woman abused by a man may never reach … forgiveness; she is not obliged, nor is it morally necessary for her, to do so.”
“I will not forgive him, and I will not be cheering him on from afar.”
I’d also argue that withholding forgiveness can be an empowering act, a feminist act. Some hurts are truly, truly unforgivable, and sometimes the people who hurt us most don’t say sorry. The general belief is that the injured party — often a woman or member of an oppressed group — should forgive the person who harmed them. That to not do so is selfish or bad or unkind. But sometimes forgiveness can feel like a lie, like false absolution, like unearned generosity. There can be power in staying mad.
Despite Ariana’s promise to never forgive Sandoval, she’s thriving. She’s been on the cover of Glamour. She’s got brand deals upon brand deals. She’s opening up a sandwich shop in L.A. with fellow V-Pump cast member Katie. She’s got a lovely-seeming new partner. She’ll be just fine.
If this explosive season of Vanderpump Rules can teach us anything, let it be that you don’t always need to forgive to move on. It is not always moral to turn the other cheek. Sometimes, you’ve got to stand your ground.
Write Fiction With Me!
I recently started participating in NYC Midnight’s writing contests to practice writing fiction and just have some fun. Each participant is given a genre, action, and word to guide their writing; all three elements must be included in the tale. My story for the first round of the 100-word microfiction competition won first place — I almost shared it here, but… I’m pursuing publication!
If you’re interested in venturing into fiction writing, I highly recommend NYC Midnight’s competitions. Join me! :)